7 ways I Cope & Thrive with Autism + ADHD
Slow mornings, nervous system regulation, shut down & reboot, self-awareness, celebrating progress, grieving the losses, & the beauty of recovery days
I’ve written a lot about the challenges of Autism and ADHD, and there have been times that digging deep into the specific struggles may have seemed to make things worse. In fact, this exploration has equipped me with the self-awareness to know what helps me — and what needs to change.
Breaking out of a neurotypical frame of trying to ‘make things’ work by going against my neural wiring, and instead adapting and re-framing, is key.
As is an attitude of curiosity!
So today, on World Mental Health Day, I thought I’d share some of the things that work for me, in the hopes they strike a chord with you, too.
Slow mornings with high protein
I just can’t rush in the mornings.
Like many autistics, it takes me a while to transition between things, and like many ADHD-er’s, there are a million different tabs open from the moment I wake.
As well as the profound transition between sleep and wakefulness, there are the multiple shifts between each task of the morning — and have you ever realised how many things you need to do to become a functioning human, ready for the day?
I’m blessed to be self-employed (honestly, though, it’s the only way of working I can maintain!) and so I have the privilege of being able to schedule meetings no earlier than 10am. And 11 is my preference!
My morning routine comprises journalling, meditation, yoga, a nature walk and drinking lots of water (hot, with lemon). Sometimes my Inner Critic proclaims this extended routine to be a little indulgent. But every time I have to skip parts or all of it for some rare early morning thing, I spend all day catching up with myself. Taking my time in the morning is essential for my nervous system regulation and setting up for the day.
All these self-care practices are followed up with a cooked breakfast of lots of veggies and eggs — the Keto diet helps me maintain more consistent energy without strong blood sugar dips.
Anecdotally, many ADHD-ers find that a higher protein diet serves them best, and studies by Massachusetts Institute of Technology neuroscientist Richard Wurtman Ph.D. and others have shown that protein triggers alertness-inducing neurotransmitters. In general, neurotransmitters — dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine — are also dependent on diet for proper performance.
While I cook and eat, I listen to YouTube videos or podcasts on my special interests — spirituality, psychology, relationships, mindfulness, and especially my current hyperfocus of attachment styles. This feeds and focuses my mind with nourishing information and stops it spinning in unproductive, unnecessary and anxious loops.
Flexibility is key (and prevents me getting bored, while still having a semblance of a routine!). I may need different things on different mornings, in a varying order. If I wake up with a racing mind and restlessness, slow yoga might just make me more frantic, but a vigorous walk will do the trick.
What is important is that I exercise in one form or another as soon as possible— like many ADHD-ers, getting moving has a huge effect on my mental health and well-being.
Maybe you need extended evening wind-down time rather than a long morning self-connection time. Or maybe both! Experiment and find a version that works for you.
Nervous system regulation
With ADHD and autism in the picture, a highly-strung nervous system, with all cylinders firing, is the norm rather than the exception.
I can get hyper, tense, manic, overwhelmed or out of balance very, very easily if I don’t take good care of this area. I have learned a lot from Irene Lyon about how nervous system regulation is literally the foundation of everything.
Without it, most of our goals will be elusive or non-sustainable, because we’ll be constantly putting out fires as our system goes into fight/flight/freeze/fawn.
Fortunately, there are a lot of somatic and neurosensory tools we can use to support our nervous systems to discharge tension and trauma and to feel more safe in the present moment.
I find it soothing to listen to neurosensory exercises and to practice awareness of simple things like my feet on the ground, my breath moving in my ribcage, and my palms touching each other, to ground me and remind me it’s all OK.
Daily time in nature, slowing down to the rhythm of the trees around me, is non-negotiable.
It doesn’t have to be complicated — just consistent.
Shut down and reboot
Sometimes, I need to stop it all and just have a nap.
Or a crash into the duvet where I read light books and switch off all devices.
My brain gets overloaded and needs to ‘defrag’ in order to function again.
And no amount of insisting it perform tasks — especially in a particular order — will work.
It often only takes 20 minutes to half an hour and I’m good to go again.
What are your favourite ‘reboot your brain’ methods?
Practicing self-awareness to create space
Now, this can be difficult for us ADHD-er’s because self-awareness is part of the executive functioning that is so affected by our neural wiring — specifically, the frontal lobe, according to the ADHD Workbook for Women. But practicing does strengthen these circuits, and it can be done in small, everyday ways (and I know everyone goes on about it, but journalling helps).
Self-awareness allows us to stop doing those automatic behaviours that don’t actually help us, but just keep us stuck in ever-spiralling stress and frustration, and to find what works better.
One small example: When I’m feeling overwhelmed by a long to-do list and don’t know where to start (because it’s hard to prioritise and problem solve), rather than trying to make a decision, I ask myself: What do I need to do to create more space right now?
With ADHD, the tendency can be to immediately reach for the next stimulus as a distraction and dopamine hit (check Instagram or WhatsApp, etc) but this just fills up the space more, creating more overwhelm.
Sometimes, I need to pause my whole goal orientation and choose a simple music backdrop that will calm me or allow me to dance out some of my activation, or to fold the laundry and get that feeling of “I’ve got something done — I’ve got started.”
Momentum can build from this place. I’ve learned to start with what’s easier and feels good and then go from there.
Celebrating progress and successes
It’s so easy to get bogged down with the unpredictability of life as an AUDHD-er and get dispirited by the ever-moving goalposts. The things I’ve set out to do, only to find I’m writing down the exact same items from last week’s to-do list, on this week’s one….
The feeling of three steps forward and two steps back can be frustrating, to say the least. But I know that taking time to note my small (and big!) wins and having them mirrored by another supportive person can make a big difference.
Overthinking is a well-known phenomenon of autism and ADHD. Recently, I realised that I had made a lot of progress in creating more gaps in my ‘mind-stream’. In other words, my thoughts were feeling less overwhelming and I was experiencing more peace, joy and stillness. Instead of being habitually stuck up in my head and dissociated from my body, I was noticing little moments of beauty and gratitude through the day, like the robin visiting the post outside my caravan or the colour of purple flowers in the garden.
It would be easy to focus on how much further I have to go before I have total clarity of mind and freedom from overthinking, but instead, I took some time to acknowledge this shift to myself and to a friend I often exchange voice notes with.
Grieving the losses of what you can’t change (at least not now)
I used to dream of having a full-time, successful online business.
Over the past few years, I’ve realised that I need a full day in order to do four hours of work. This is the reality of how my brain functions.
Showing up consistently, five days a week, to clients on frequent Zooms is not a fit for my neuro-profile, my erratic energy, motivation and focus levels, and the fact that I’m now in the perimenopause season of my life.
So I work in bursts and on a project-by-project basis, with gaps in-between. I can’t just move from one thing to another in a linear fashion.
I have learned to give myself two to three times the amount of time I think I need to do something. If I think it will take a day to deliver a milestone to a client, I ask for three days.
Because one of those days, I may have slept like shit the night before and just about be able to drag myself through the day. Or I may wake up with anxiety that requires me to self-care for half the day before I can focus enough to work. When I do sit down to work, I will deliver. But the circumstances surrounding that efficiency will be different to a neurotypical person.
This has been hard for me to accept. Every time I saw a video about ‘being a successful online biz owner’, riddled with neurotypical assumptions, I would feel discouraged, self-critical, and ashamed. Why couldn’t I just do the things and keep them up?
I had to grieve the loss of this dream for a long time. And in the process, I discovered more self-compassion and more truth about the way I want to live.
Because sometimes our dreams aren’t even our own, but ones we’ve picked up from others. I thought I had to have a particular kind of business to be successful, but what I have is an ebb-and-flow freelance career that is responsive to what is really going on.
Enjoy the beauty of recovery days
In the summer, I was away a lot at festivals and visiting friends and family. It was amazing, fulfilling, and exhausting.
I made sure that between each event, I had at least one or two days to do nothing.
The temptation was to ‘catch up’ on all the life admin and work neglected while I was away, but what I really needed was just ….
A lot of nothing. Just time for my body and mind to recover, with no more substantial input.
Recovery days aren’t just for after a particularly busy or demanding time. They continue to be a staple for me on an ongoing, maintenance basis, and I make sure that I have at least one day a week with no external demands (even social ones!)
I hope at least one of these tools is helpful for you if you are living with ADHD, autism or any other neurodivergence that affects your executive functioning. Let me know in the comments below what works for you!
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Are you, or do you know, a neurodivergent woman? Together with a fellow ‘neurospicy’ friend and collaborator, Sabine Glatzer, I am putting together resources for neurodivergent women to create new foundations in their lives. You can sign up for updates here or follow us on Facebook and Instagram.