I moved to a new area 6 months ago and I haven’t yet made a single friend.
Sure, I know a handful of people to say hi to. I know there are like-minded folk around because I bump into them at events from time to time. But I feel clueless as to how to progress these casual acquaintances into friendships.
I know a lot of autistic people struggle to make friends, but many also have strong friendships. Both are true for me. I have many friends dotted all around the country and even the world, due to having been nomadic for so long. I am in regular contact with at least 10 and closer contact with about 5 of these. I see them in person maybe 1–3 times a year.
It’s not enough. I need people nearer to hand and around me. I’ve been on a mission to put down roots and live in one place long-term. But sometimes the steps to get there feel overwhelming and inaccessible.
Today, for instance, there is an all-day and evening event at a local beach which would be perfect for me to attend. It includes some of my favourite things — music, drumming, poetry and art. I so much wanted to go, especially as many of the local events have happened when I’ve been away, which is frequent in the summer.
But.
I’m still tired from a 6-day music festival I returned from 4 days ago, where I averaged 4–6 hours sleep a night. Not due to being out partying till late — because of sensory issues that mean I cannot sleep until the entire camping area is dead silent.
This is usually 2 or 3 am, and my body clock (or others’ morning noises) wake me up at 7:30 again.
As my body tries to catch up from the sleep deprivation (It was worth it, right? I had an amazing time at the festival!), I experience muscle aches, headaches and feeling drained. It’s an effort just to walk a short distance and I need a nap halfway through my work day. I know if I go to the gathering today, I will pay for it tomorrow, and be less resourced for the next time I go away, which is soon.
Then there is the sensory issue of the weather. It’s windy, and I know that on the beach I will start to struggle with that element within an hour, if not sooner. Unlike others, I can’t seem to just ignore it and carry on.
On balance, will it be worth it?
I visualise myself sitting there, cold and windswept, not knowing anyone, left out of the conversation, and wishing I’d stayed comfortably at home with my book or a movie. Plus, living in the countryside, everything is at least a half hour drive away.
So, I’ve stayed in tonight, and I feel sad and ambivalent about it.
The truth, dare I say it, is that I don’t want to always have to go out and be around a lot of strangers in order to meet my needs for social connection.
I just want to have a circle of friends that are available to meet with.
I wonder, why does it seem so hard right now to make friends? Is it because I’m letting myself unmask more as an autistic? Is it my age (early 40’s) and the fact that everyone is now settled in established families and friendshp groups, however friendly they are?
Or is it simply that friendship circles are harder to break into in this area? Another newbie to the region told me recently that she felt there was a ‘barrier’ here, and I’ve also heard it said that the people here are less ‘soft’ or open.
Just how did I manage to form all the previous friendships I made?
The answer? It wasn’t going out of an evening.
Organic friendships
I met people right where I was, or through regular weekly activities such as choirs. I made lasting connections through living and volunteering in intentional communities on the land or centred around spiritual philosophies, sharing daily routines and struggles. Connecting with a neighbour on the street where I once lived became a 7-year friendship.
For the first time in my life, I now live alone, renting a spot for my caravan on a smallholding, and so it really is up to me to get out there and make connections.
And it feels like hard work.
I find myself wishing there was a ‘lonely hearts’ ad column for friends. Or maybe ‘speed friend dating’ (actually, that sounds horrifying!).
Maybe that way, we could just be explicit about what we are looking for. No playing hard to get, paying lots of money to go to events or staying up later than is comfortable … or even just putting up with endless small talk (us autistics and introverts are well known for wanting to go deep!) just in the remote hope of making a friend or two.
The loneliness epidemic
There is growing evidence that loneliness is on the rise in today’s society, partly due to the way we are more geographically mobile, and that loneliness is bad for our mental, physical and emotional health.
Loneliness is distinct from solitude — I love and desire a lot of my own company, and have many hobbies to keep me busy, as well as a deep connection with nature. Yet, there’s a tipping point, and if I don’t have meaningful connections, face to face, for more than a week, I soon start to feel it.
Despite how well-resourced I am with activities to enjoy alone, the times I remember feeling happiest were when I lived in community with others. There’s something about bouncing ideas off others, sharing activities that can get stagnant when alone, and introducing the elements of fun, spontaneity and laughter that just can’t be replicated when alone.
This article helpfully distinguishes between different types of loneliness, including:
Emotional loneliness — ‘the absence of meaningful relationships’
Social loneliness — a ‘perceived deficit in the quality of social connections’
Existential loneliness — a ‘feeling of fundamental separateness from others and the wider world’
When I attended university and, later, lived in community, I didn’t have to face any of those forms of loneliness. I sometimes wonder if community life was just a scaffolding to protect me from the reality of life, though — as it did not provide opportunities to learn how to make social connections outside of a structured, ‘made for you’ environment.
These days, I feel fortunate to not be emotionally lonely — because I do have meaningful relationships in my life, people I can share with. Neither do I often feel existentially lonely. It’s social loneliness I struggle with.
However, it’s important not to look back on community life with too much of a rose-tinted view. There was a trade off to the on-tap nature of social connections — I often felt stressed and overwhelmed by the energies of all the different people and the strain on my autistic brain of trying to figure out what they needed and expected from me.
I remember the relief of moving out of the last community I lived in, in January 2021: the sheer exhale of only having to think about myself and my partner and to no longer having to manage complex dynamics. The guy who was never satisfied with my housekeeping, no matter how much I tried to keep the fridge and shower clean. The couple having huge arguments and meltdowns that affected everyone around them. Dealing with competing needs and trying to find mutually agreeable solutions. It was all too much, and I just wanted to focus on my work and my own life.
Now I have all that time and focus — and I soak up that blessing every day.
But I want the balance of having folk around me who care, and who I care about. Not just on the end of a phone or a 200 mile drive away — right here, in my local community.
It’s taking patience, and persistence, and I wonder if it will ever happen. I wonder if forcing myself to go out when it’s beyond my capacity is the answer, or if there’s another way.
I’m open to finding out.
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