Photo by Mateus Campos Felipe on Unsplash
This morning, I saw a rainbow.
I was walking around the land I live on, just after sunrise — applying a recommendation for mental health to ‘get outside as soon as possible’.
The last week, with the exception of one bright day, have been dark in my inner world.
Anxious, ruminating thoughts and a non-stop washing machine of self-doubt and inability to get going — or keep going.
I’d had all these high hopes and inspirations for new projects, such as starting a podcast, and yet had found myself paralysed to take even one step in that direction, because my mood and energy had plummeted so much.
As a person living with ADHD and CPTSD, I felt well and truly ensnared in my brain’s dopamine-deficient tangles, with seemingly no way out.
Endless voice note shares to fellow Neurodivergent friends, taking myself for walks, and trying to just ‘get on with it’ were not making a dent in what felt like a never-ending ‘stuck’ mound of misery.
Should I just pack up and move? I’m too isolated here — there’s no momentum around to inspire me. Seeing people once or twice a week in person is not enough. But then when I see people too often, I get drained and overwhelmed. Aargh, there’s no perfect solution!
This morning, I woke hours before I actually need or want to — as I often do. 5am. I lay there, trying to get back to sleep, for nearly an hour, my thought loops getting more and more destructive.
How could I be back here again?
It’s been like this for nearly three years …
Eventually, I remembered: I could do a nervous system exercise. I could work directly with my body, instead of trying to sort my whole life out with my mind (which, let’s face it, doesn’t work…bless you, mind, you do try…)
I loaded up an audio of a guided neurosensory exercise that involves making more space in the body through simple touch, breath and awareness — without needing to get up.
Forty-five minutes later, I emerged like a different person.
It hasn’t always been this dramatic. I used to do these exercises frequently, and they tapered off because while sometimes I felt relief, they didn’t seem to be ‘solving things’. I was looking for the dramatic ‘quick fix’.
But what I’ve learned about nervous system healing is that it’s very often a gradual, incremental process and happens on subtle levels.
We need to notice even the small changes and orient towards them.
And sometimes, the contrast is so huge that I can see it really is making a difference.
This morning, I got to feel what it was like to go from a severe state of nervous system dysregulation to feeling at peace, calm and capable of handling my day. Even excited about my day.
I got up and started to make breakfast, something I often procrastinate on. As I walked past the oak tree and through the gate to the woodland at the bottom of the field, I noticed that instead of dread and overwhelm, when I thought of my work and creative projects, I felt a tranquil neutrality, turning into curiosity.
Imagine if I could feel like this every day, all day.
Imagine if the fight/flight/freeze cycle that CPTSD and ADHD have my system in on a habitual basis was dissolved — think of the things I could do.
The projects I could complete and the gifts I could share with the world. The joy I could experience in day-to-day life, without stress, tension and overwhelm paralysing my drive and inspiration.
The improved relationships, because I’m not ping-ponging from anxiety to anxiety, thanks to the RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) that often comes along with ADHD.
Because I am feeling whole and resourced within myself, with access to what I need.
I got a glimpse of it, and I’m writing to you now from that glimpse — and from the rainbow.
One of my practices is to connect with the nature around me through signs and synchronicities. Recently, I asked nature — yes, she does communicate with us, as we are an inextricable part of her — to show me some signs. I specifically asked to see robins and rainbows.
They have been coming thick and fast ever since.
What I found odd about the rainbow this morning is that it wasn’t raining — there was only sun, and a blush of orange and pink in the sky. Yet, there it was (and Googling afterwards, I discovered that there only needs to be a little moisture in the air for a rainbow to appear).
It felt like a confirmation that I’m on the right path.
Healing, one attunement to my body at a time.
Healing through attending to myself in the way that my parents weren’t able to, and releasing the stuck charges of fight/flight energy from past trauma so that I can create my life.
And here it is, only 8 am and I’m already writing an article :)
For healing through nervous system regulation, I recommend the teachers Kathy Kain, Irene Lyon and Seth Lyon.
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I love this Morgan and the fact that you use nature to help you heal, it's the best medicine. Rainbows are absolutely my sign for everything is good as well as robins! Also ladybirds, I find it so reassuring when they appear.